Donald Trump’s Concession Speech

OPEN on a podium outside a plain white house (but not The White House)

MR. TRUMP

Good afternoon, folks. I’ve decided that I need to say something public now, here in front of this beautiful white house…Rudy did such a great job finding this place for my speech. What a clever idea, doing this in front of a white house. I think his friends at the Four Seasons recommended it…

REPORTER

Mr. President, Mr. President?

MR. TRUMP

Guys, guys. This is a speech. No questions until after I leave and Kayleigh comes in with her Big Book of Lies.

REPORTER

But, Mr. President, why concede the election now? What has changed?

MR. TRUMP

Oh, that. Well, I just learned that marijuana is legal in D.C. (Takes out a smoking bowl and takes a long drag) So I’ve been hitting this bowl all morning. Now, things look very different, you know. I know, I’ve always known. No one knows how different things seem like me. I seem more different than anyone ever seemed before. People call me regularly and tell me I seem more different than anyone they’ve ever met. Just today I talked to several doctors who told me…

IVANKA TRUMP storms in.

IVANKA

Daddy, what are you doing?

MR. TRUMP

Not now Pumpkin. Daddy’s talking to the fake press.

IVANKA

You can’t concede. The election was rigged. The liberals are stealing the Presidency right out from under us.

MR. TRUMP

Pumpkin, don’t interrupt me while I’m lying to the press. I’ll get confused and have to call Sean Hannity to ask what I was talking about.

IVANKA

But what about me? What am I going to do if you concede? I mean, everyone hates my husband now, and they’re going to be mean to me.

MR. TRUMP

Here (offers the bowl) try a hit of this. It will soften that silver spoon you’ve got up your ass.

IVANKA

Ugg! (runs out)

MR. TRUMP

(Yelling to IVANKA) Oh Pumpkin, China called; They’re taking back all the patents you got while I was President.

A SCREAM from off stage.

MR. TRUMP

Okay, now. Let me tell you all what is going to happen next. I admit now that Sleepy Joe won, but it won’t last. He’s going to forget where the Oval Office is and then everyone will be told what to do by Mamala Harris, which is probably the best thing for everyone at this point because she’s like the only adult in Washington, or at least the only one not smoking weed.

Enter DON TRUMP JR.

DON TRUMP JR.

Dad, Dad. Stop. You can’t concede. The election isn’t over.

MR. TRUMP

Oh boy, here we go. I told the secret service not to let any crazies in here.

DON TRUMP JR.

Look at this, Dad. (Show his phone). I found this website that has evidence that Joe Biden paid his son a whole bunch of money when he was younger for some kind of service in their yard. There’s probably an email on their home computer. We can have Bill Barr go raid their house…

MR. TRUMP

Don, enough. Sleepy Joe gave Hunter an allowance when he was 12. It’s no big deal.

DON TRUMP JR.

You never gave me an allowance.

MR. TRUMP

What do you call the hookers I got for you that time you burned everything your mother left behind?

DON TRUMP JR. looks sheepishly at the audience.

MR. TRUMP

(Reaching out with the bowl) A bit of reefer for the road, son?

DON TRUMP JR. leaves the stage shaking his head.

REPORTER

Mr. President, what’s next for you? What will you do now that you lost the election?

MR. TRUMP

You mean after I finish this bowl? Oh well, I’ve had a lot of time to think about it, since I don’t actually work and I’ve stopped watching Fox News because they treat me so unfairly. So…

I’m going to move to South Dakota.

REPORTER

Why South Dakota?

MR. TRUMP

Because I like that Governor, what’s her name? Kiss Me No Name, or Kristi Moonme, or Kiss’em When They Say No? Anyway. She didn’t abandon me like everyone else. Oh, and pot is legal there.

Enter ERIC TRUMP

ERIC TRUMP

Dad, daaaaad. The mean people in your office told me I was going to not be a president’s son anymore.

MR. TRUMP

Go away, Eric. Go drive Baron to New York and tell him to move his crap off your bed. You boys will have to share a room again when we move.

ERIC TRUMP

Again? (walking away) He pours water on my bed in my sleep, and gives me wedgies, and hides my toothbrush…

MR. TRUMP

Anyway, as I was saying. I’m going to open a new golf course there in South Dakota. It’s in this place I discovered. No one’s ever been there before. It’s totally secret. I found it on a map I was drawing on with my Sharpie. It’s called Badlands. I think it will be perfect for a golf course. Cuz whenever I hit the ball, it lands badly, and I have to kick it back onto the fairway. That’s not a stroke, though, because I’m the President and the rules don’t apply when you’re a President.

REPORTER

Mr. President, Badlands is a National Park. It’s protected by federal law.

MR. TRUMP

Not anymore. I signed an explicative order, I mean, an exercise odor, huh, one of those paper thingies Mike Meadows brings to me with my mid-day milk and cookies. It says I have the right to build anything I want anywhere in the country and no one can stop me because I’m President.

REPORTER

But, sir, you’re not going to be President anymore. Joe Biden won the election.

MR. TRUMP

What? Fake news! The media hates me. Suburban women hate me. Joe Biden hates me.

Enter MELANIA TRUMP. She walks up and hands Trump a scroll that says ‘Divorce Summons’, and walks out.

MR. TRUMP

My wife hates me.

They’re all against me. The Chinese, the Iranians, the North Koreans, the Mexicans, those young people on TikTok…

SECRET SERVICE agents enter and start pulling MR. TRUMP away from the podium.

MR. TRUMP


…even my secret service guys hate me….

REPORTERS shout questions as MR. TRUMP is pulled away.

FADE TO a sign that reads:

BIDEN/HARRIS
JANUARY 20,2021

Written by Drew Page, November 11, 2020.

About dspage87

My friends joke that I have done everything for a year. Far from it, but I do have a huge list of hobbies (and former jobs). I coach, fence, teach and write. I dabble in photography. I play a variety of instruments and even try to write some original music from time to time. I have even tried my hand at welding, but I won’t show the results. The cardinal rule of writing is to “write what you know.” One would think that all the hobbies and jobs I’ve had has prepared me well for writing. Well, the rule for blogging is a bit more liberal and it suits me better: Write what you think you know.
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